Been in such a funk lately. Have been almost unbelievably fatigued. Went to the doctor for labs on Monday and stopped to get yogurt at Whole Foods on the drive home. Slogged through Whole Foods, which is an experience in itself. Everything s l o w s down when you walk inside. I'd remembered to bring in my bags and managed to find the yogurt, but I swear that Whole Foods is bewitched. I never go into that place without spending at least fifty dollars. It's as if some alien invades my brain and whispers about all the things that I don't have but need to buy TODAY.
I was in the vitamin aisle when I remembered that I had been thinking about buying some colloidal silver. Colloidal siver is magical, in my opinion. I first tried it during chemo when I developed a small blister in my armpit that would not go away. I tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. My oncologist suggested that I try colloidal silver and that blister healed almost overnight. I used it again last year when I had a pesky case of pneumonia that did not want to get better. I took colloidal silver and within two days, it was gone. Now, I am struggling with a low white blood cell count that I just can't seem to shake and I decided that I would try colloidal silver again. So...bought some. As I was walking out of the homeopathic area, I saw some lovely clothes that Lucy would like. Felt that ghostly whisper, "Buy it, buy it...c'mon, dear...just pick up that shirt...there you go...." I decided to take a photo instead and show it to her, see if she likes it before I buy it. Close call.
So, there I was with the yogurt and the colloidal silver and I walked past the bakery. And there were those mandarin orange cookies that T loves. They are a whopping twelve bucks a pound...but....yep, heard the whisper and bought several.
Passed the greeting cards and I felt a slow little moan come out. Whole Foods has incredibly wonderful cards. The are one of a kind, very special. And very expensive. Felt the whisper...somehow managed to walk away.
So. Ended up spending fifty dollars in that store today. I was exhausted and a little disgusted with myself as I went through the check out lane. The workers there are so cheery, you can't even act bitchy around them. It would be like being mean to a kitten. They always ask how your day is going and actually stop what they are doing to listen to your answer as if they truly care. I always say fine. Because I have seen more long conversations take place in the check out line at Whole Foods than in most doctor's offices. No hurry. Good eye contact. And the sackers treat your food as if you are Queen Elizabeth. Fruit is tucked carefully. Eggs are carefully inspected for cracks. Today, the checker told me that she, too, enjoyed kewi flavored yogurt. And she liked this brand because it was very low sugar. She offered to put the colloidal silver in a separate bag. When I said no, it was not necessary, she assured me over and over that it was no trouble. I finally just nodded okay. The woman behind me was looking like she was ready to slap both of us any minute.
By the time I got to my car, I was almost whoozy with tiredness. JUST FROM SHOPPING. I slid into the driver's seat and closed my eyes just to rest them for one second. And woke up a half hour later. I had fallen asleep. I was disoriented and confused. And then mad.
I am so tired of being tired. We have a vacation coming up in a couple of months. I HAVE to be more alert. HAVE to get my white blood cell count up. Feeling helpless, I sat in the car crying.
My cell phone rang. It was T. Just checking in, she said. Upon hearing my voice, she went into caretaker mode. What was the matter? How could she help?
Instead of being grateful for her kindness, I nearly snapped her head off.
"My white blood cell count is down to 1.4!" I bawled. "I'm so tired that I fell asleep in the car after a short grocery store trip! I feel like a pathetic ninety year old crazy lady! My hair looks stupid ALL THE TIME. My fingernails are peeling. My gums are swollen! I'm so tired of being so tired and no medicine helping and being told by doctors to REST! How can I go on vacation like this?
She could have yelled at me, told me to stop being such a baby. That there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. I'm retired! I have good health insurance! A caring spouse! Good friends and family. Instead, she just listened and suggested that I make a cup of green tea and relax. That she'd be home from work soon. Would I like a foot rub then?
I calmed myself down. Told her that I would be fine. Apologized for crying like a baby. We hung up.
She was home an hour later with a single daffodil in her hand.
"I was walking over lunch time at Towl Park and saw a ton of these blooming, so I just took one. It made me think of you. I know you like this shade of yellow," she said.
The daffodil is next to the bed now in a long necked vase. When the faint sun spilled over it this morning, it was almost unbearably beautiful.
Everything will work out. This, too, shall pass. I should have known that Towl Park (and T) would find a way to reach out to me and find me a slice of peace.
Towl Park is full of magic. Full of peace. Full of love. It's just waiting for us to find it.